Finally, I trusted my gut.

I’m sitting in the backyard patio of a beautiful hostel in Chiang Mai writing this. We left Luang Prabang 2 days early and impulsively booked a flight here. And we are so glad we did. Luang Prabang was a super tiny town, filled with French tourists. While writing that sentence, I expect myself to fall in love with a place like that. However, I didn’t. Despite getting to speak more French than I have in 2 months in 2 days, we felt out of place. I battled with this feeling. Feeling torn between whether I couldn’t slow down in this place and what was my gut feeling saying we needed to leave this place.

Finally, I trusted my gut. And we flew 12 hours later to one of my favorite cities in the world. Chiang Mai was my happy place in the months after being sexually assaulted. To my mouth it brought the best food I’ve ever tasted (Khao Soi). To my eyes, a beautiful sunset over a panorama of mountains every evening. To my body, salsa dancing 4 times a week. To my mind peace.

And I’m back 3 years later. With Ethan. Without shame seeping out of every single step I take. Without guilt wanting to burst out of my mouth like confetti. Without the flinching of my body from new touch like a mouse caught in a trap.

However, my body is confused. It’s back in this place of recovery, yet I am not recovering like I was then. It is taking some adjustments to stay present, but I make it a priority to do Alexander Technique and a Metta mantra as soon as possible to relax my body from the tension. I fill my body with love and kindness, I fill the room with love and kindness, and I fill this world with love and kindness. I am enough, I have enough.