Prepare for Takeoff

The feeling of getting ready for a big trip has always brought me major anxiety. I go into a frenzy of "what if's" and can't seem to stay in the moment. This morning, that feeling sunk in. I started to time travel back to the last time I went to Asia, when I was working for Hacker Paradise, just months after being sexually assaulted. That trip was an escape. I was running away from endless pain, fear, and depression. 

That trip is my delta, a way for me to benchmark how much my mind and body have evolved since then. But part of me is terrified that something will shift and I will morph back into that depression and miserable version of myself. I was talking to Ethan about this morning and he helped me stay present. To flesh out all my "what ifs" and let go of the past. I want to go through and think about all the things I've done to heal in the past 3 years since I embarked on a similar round the world journey. Here are a sampling of them (in attempted order of most healing)

  1. Started doing the Alexander Technique 
  2. Did Landmark
  3. Started a wonderful and supportive relationship with Ethan
  4. Published a blog post called Yes means Yes, No means Rape
  5. Read a ton of books about healing trauma, mental health and personal development
    1. Healing Sex
    2. Come as You Are
    3. Girls and Sex
    4. Furiously Happy
    5. The Body Keeps Score
    6. Let's Pretend This Never Happened
    7. Year of Yes
    8. 5 Second Rule
  6. Dancing 5 Rhythms
  7. Used Calm to meditate on a regular basis
  8. Did 3 sessions of reiki
  9. Used Habitica to gamify my life
  10. Built my own bathtub so I can have my favorite form of self care in my tiny apartment
  11. Donated clothes/belongings that remind me of a negative mindset
  12. Went to art therapy on a weekly basis (and now monthly basis)
  13. Moved to New York and started The Coding Space and GirlCode
  14. Told my parents about the assault
  15. Grew to over 600 women around the world
  16. Hosted Vulnerability Party's at my apartment with strangers
  17. Joined a sexual assault support group
  18. Messaged the man who assaulted me to explain it was rape

These just a fraction of the things I have done over the period of time since it happened. But it is helpful to see them in reality and remember that I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago. This trip is going to be an opportunity to practice all that I have learned about mindfulness and minimalism. To feel that I have freedom to express myself creatively and not live in the past. To be present and prepare for takeoff.